Waiting.......

I have considered myself to be a fairly patient person.  I've been told by my friends that I was a patient individual.  I don't "line hop" in the grocery checkout lane.  My husband, Robert, on the other hand, is an renown "line hopper". Our kids can tell of all the parking spots he would pass in order to get that "better" spot.  When child #3 refused to nap, there were many slow, soft, and secure hugs to hold him while singing, "Oh How I Love Jesus."  But now I find myself struggling with waiting.

Why would I struggle now?  What's different?  Really? I don't think I really had to ask that.  But maybe I do.  I need to ask myself and realize my reality.  Difference is for one, I'm much older.  Age has a way of making you wiser and not sweat over the small stuff.  Age also gives you other challenges....like tiring quicker, less sleep, more aches and pains, weaker, and did I say more tired?  LOL

Fatigue and pain can really be controlling.  I find myself so focused on pain that I don't even see what else I'm missing.  It's hard to explain.  But I work so hard at getting pain relief that in order to get to that point I've exhausted a lot of energy to reach that one goal.  Then I miss talking with a friend.  Or watch a movie with my husband.  Or I haven't taken time to talk with my grown children.

My children and I had a close relationship while they were growing up.  We did a lot of sharing and laughing together.  We were actively involved with each other.  The siblings watched each other play their sports.  Many sleepovers and all night talks.  Watching your children grow, graduate, marry, and start their families are some of the rewarding parts of parenting.

The car accident, not only changed my life, but my daily routine.  Of all the changes, the one that hurts me most is not being able to spend time with my children.  I took for granted just being able to go to the mountains and have a picnic.  Taking my grand daughter to the park to play for a couple of hours.  Going to a movie and out to eat.  Traveling and visiting for a couple days. And having large celebration meals at my house.

I'm not able to be up as long, walk as far, definitely not walk as fast, loss of strength, intolerant to heat, nervous about traffic, highly sensitive to sound, exhausted, busy with doctor or therapy appointments, being seen walking with a cane, spilling a drink in the restaurant, and living with chronic pain keeps me close to home.  None of these things did I ever expect to experience by this age and stage of my life.  In May I will be 50 years old.  These symptoms were what  I was suppose to have after I'm 80.   

I need to stop. 

I need to look. 

I need to pray. 

I need to think. 

I need to plan. 

I need to write. 

I need to talk. 

I need to wait. 

I've been trying to make it day to day.  I've been discouraged. 

I feel depressed. 

While I'm waiting....  Waiting for the Lord to reveal His plan and purpose.  Waiting for more doctor appointments.  Waiting for a diagnosis.  Waiting..... waiting....and waiting.  While in this place I need to DO somethings.

I need to lean on the Lord.  Rest in His Word.  Talk with good friends.  Pray, trust, and continue to wait.  I also need to STOP.  Stop thinking of all that's changed.   All that I can no longer do.  I need to START seeing what I can do.  I need to look for ways to spend quality time with my children.

Chrystal now 28 yrs old

Brandon now 27 yrs old

Jamin now 19 yrs old

Brittnie now 18 yrs old

Todd now 11 yrs old

I love my kids.  God has blessed me with 5 beautiful children.  I can STILL spend time and make memories with them.  I pray the Lord will give me opportunity to continue sharing and laughing with my children.  And do so while I continue to WAIT.........