Where Did I Go?

When my children were little the game "Hide and Seek" gave them lots of pleasure.  Now my 3 year old grand daughter,  sits on my lap and covers her eyes, (sort of) expecting me to not see her.   I then look around the room yelling, "MIKAYLA! WHERE ARE YOU?"  With a big smile on her face, she giggles with the sweetest joy when I act surprised and say, "OH! THERE YOU ARE!".  Then we hug and do it all over again and again.




Since my car accident nearly two and a half years ago, I  experienced many physical changes.   

The first several months were filled with so much pain and frustration.  I couldn't get doctors to understand or listen to me about my pain.  On impact I was not able to raise my arms.  Three days after the accident, I was able to raise my left arm. 

Nine days after the wreck I seen an orthopedic specialist in Knoxville.  He assured me that my arm was hurting because I was not moving it.  I argued back and said, "UH NO! I don't move my arm because I am hurting."

This "specialist" said to me, "I don't understand what you are not so happy about?"  I replied, "Because two weeks before my accident I was operating a chain saw.  Now I can't wash the bathroom mirror." I REALLY wanted to forget my manners and  kick him in the "......." And while he's curled up on the floor, I could have said, "Why, Dr. M? I just don't understand what it is that you are not so happy about?"



After a MRI, CT scan, more x-rays,  six weeks physical therapy, and a second orthopedic, it was discovered I had a broken rib and a bruised lung. URRGGH. 

I decided any future orthopedic doctor was going to be using a walker.  Someone who will not treat my age, but my injury.

My next and third orthopedic had just recovered from a hip replacement. 

"Perfect." 

He operated on my right shoulder and found two legiments were torn and multiple bone spurs.  All injuries from the force of the impact my body experienced in the accident.

After ten months, I began to feel better.  I was seeing postive progress. I was able to get out and enjoy my life.  I was coming back.

......to be continued.......

PTSD Really Stinks!

Our brain is a powerful part of our anatomy.  Our brain was created to be the control center of our body.  The brain is not just physical.  It's emotional as well.  That emotional part has taken over my life.  I think about the cartoon, "Pinky and the Brain".  Two mice who want to "TAKE OVER THE WORLD". 

My car accident was June 1, 2009.  But it wasn't til April 20, 2011 that I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Now my confusion, hyper sensitivity to sounds, avoidance, insomnia, and depression made sense.  I was immediately placed on an anti-depressant.  The neurologist at Emory Hospital, prescribed Paxil 20 mg and highly recommended I start receiving counseling. 

I was nervous starting an anti-depression.  Was this the beginning of some place where I didn't want to go?  Would I be taking it longer than I ever intended to take it? Would it help?  Do I really need it? Lots of questions.  The endless questions added anxiety on top of the anxiety I was already living with in PTSD.

Like a good patient, I started the new medication as directed. I began to pray and seek out a counselor.  I googled all I could about PTSD, anti-depressant medications, and treatment.  All the info was helpful.   Other than prayer and family/friend support, the best decision I made was finding a counselor.  Counseling helps with the many questions.

Counseling is not the easiest treatment.  At least for me is isn't. A lot of times it's hard.  Pride had to be put aside.  After all I was handling myself quit well on my own.  Shame had to be rendered powerless. What would people think of me when they find out I see a "shrink".  What about the counsel I have given to hundreds of other women?  Would anyone care to listen to me now?

Trauma, hard times, and struggles happens in every one's life.  It could happen for several reasons.

One, because it's just life.  It happens. God Almighty could miraculously change or prevent events in life.  But for the most part if it's raining and you run out to your car, if you don't have an umbrella or a rain jacket you will get wet.

Second, because of our own life decisions.  You've heard the phrase "Reap what you sow"?  Some events happen because we made choices that will have a consequence that's difficult to manage.
After posting and re-reading, I felt I should add something here.  Sometimes "others" make decisions that directly or indirectly have an impact on our lives.  As bad as I hate to say it, but sometimes we may reap from someone else's sowing.  For example, a rape or child abuse of any and all forms.  I'm sure there are many other examples where someone else made choices that you were not in any way responsible or the blame.  Yet you may suffer or struggle.  Such as with PTSD.

Third, because God wants someone else to be comforted.  (II Corinthians 1:4) Years ago, when one of my children was struggling with addiction...I, very matter of fact, told God, I didn't want to comfort another parent while their son/daughter struggled with an addiction.  But, as you've guest it.  It's been my pleasure to hug and cry with several Mom's whose sweet children have gone through this difficult journey.

And last, but not least, fourth, because God wants a little glory.  The Bible, John 9:2-7, tells about a community that judged a cripple man as a direct result of some sin that his parents must have committed.  But Jesus rebuked the "town know it all-ers".  "This man is crippled, not because of any wrong doing of his parents nor of his own.  But that he may be healed and God receive ALL the glory for the hardship this family endured."

PTSD is not a picnic.  In fact I hate it. 

Would I choose this journey again? 

No WAY!

But would I change it? 

No WAY!


And miss what my Lord has for me?

Not a chance. 

Lots of prayer.   Lots of tears.   Lots of support.  What a good God I serve.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of my Life

Early Birthday Surprise

Birthdays are an exciting event.  Uh when you're 7 years old.  I had one birthday party as a kid.  I turned 13.  I had several of my friends over.  I remember  playing games, laughing, and talking for hours in the front yard.

Many birthdays have come and gone since that birthday party.  This year I will be.....drum roll please.......50.  It's amazing to think I am 50 years old.  LOL 

I've lived long enough to have experienced love, joy, sadness, and pain.  I have a wonderful husband, 5 beautiful children, and 1 precious grand daughter.  Something else I have and cherish are friends.

God has blessed me with many friends.  I consider myself to have many friends.  My Facebook says I have 1,027 friends. When in reality I only have 10.  LOL  I truly believe I can call dozens of ladies and guys my friend. 

Vickie and I surprise Beth for her 50th with a pedicure.

I have been blessed to have a handful of ladies that know me well.  They've seen my good side and my bad.  And, amazingly enough, we are still friends.  These friends even know via a text message if my "OK" answer is for real or is there more to it.  Those friends text or call back for details.  Out of my handful of lady friends there are 2, who the three of us know one another in great detail.  

Their names are Beth and Vickie. Vickie and her husband live in another state.  We've been mutual friends for 25 years. We've cried. laughed, prayed, rejoiced when our children succeeded, wept when they've struggled, sang, worshiped, ate, traveled. attended graduation, weddings, and funerals together. 

Several weeks ago I was struggling with some depression.  I was discouraged with my physical limitations.  My heart was broken with some treatment and test results of my youngest child.  My heart was burdened for a wayward child.  Doctor bills are long and money is short.  My husband is stressed.  And I just wanted to stay in my bed.

My church planned a ladies conference the first week end of April.  It wasn't going to be very long, just Friday evening and Saturday morning.  Priscilla Shirer was to speak on "Life's Interruptions".  I really wanted to go.  I asked my husband if we had the money to go.  He told me there were a couple of doctor offices that over charged us.  If I call and get them to refund us I would then have the money. 

Praise the Lord not only did we get refunded but it was enough that I invited another friend and could pay for her ticket.  God is so good. 

I wasn't well and able to attend a Sunday service to get the tickets in advance.  The Sunday before the conference I brought my money and was going to buy two tickets.  That morning Beth stopped me.  She said, "Donna, here's you a ticket." I replied, "Why, I'm buying my ticket this morning?" "Well, here I bought yours.  Now, don't loose it."  "Ok? Thanks." 

I told my husband about the unexpected blessing.  Now I know the Lord wanted me at that conference.  My ticket was paid for and the money I was going to use to buy my ticket will buy gas.  God is just good like that.

I was like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.  I was so excited to see and hear what God had for me.  I told the friend, who I was buying her ticket, that I wonder if I set my clock up would Friday night come any faster.  LOL She clearly reminded me that it would not.  Bummer. 

Praise God Friday came.  By Friday night I was ready to be fed from His Word.  I was ready to be refueled with His Spirit.  I wanted to get out of my bed.

My friend came to my house and rode with me to the meeting.  It was going to be exciting.  I could already feel the Lord's presence.  We arrived at the church.  Beth called, "Donna when you come in BE SURE you come to the LAST door.  That's where I have seats saved." Alright....that is what I will do. 

Beth and Vickie surprise me for my 50th.

We sign in, got our books, Beth was there directing us to the last door. AND AROUND THE CORNER...OH MY GOODNESS.... Vickie jumps out and says, "SURPRISE!"  Beth and Vickie both say, "Happy early Birthday!"  I almost cried.  I wanted to cry.  I got shakey.  I covered my face.  I turned towards the wall.  I turned back around. I was speechless.  (I know that was a first) Vickie, Beth and I hugged as if no one else was in the building.  What an amazing blessing.  God is so amazingly good.  Isn't He? 

God knew exactly what I needed.  Between His Word, Spirit, the Study of "Life's Interruptions", church, a friend going with me, and 2 crazy friends who knew that this week end was the medicine I needed.  I just LOVE how good God is.

Maybe I should of named this post "God is Good".  LOL  God always gives you what you need and when you need it. 

Thank God for good friends.  Thanks for all the dozens of friends I have.  Thank you Beth and Vickie for my "month early birthday surprise".  I loved EVERY minute.  I love you. 

Vickie is the baby.  She has 3 more years for her surprise 50th event.  What will Beth and I do for Vickie's big day?

My Movement Disorder

Waiting.......

I have considered myself to be a fairly patient person.  I've been told by my friends that I was a patient individual.  I don't "line hop" in the grocery checkout lane.  My husband, Robert, on the other hand, is an renown "line hopper". Our kids can tell of all the parking spots he would pass in order to get that "better" spot.  When child #3 refused to nap, there were many slow, soft, and secure hugs to hold him while singing, "Oh How I Love Jesus."  But now I find myself struggling with waiting.

Why would I struggle now?  What's different?  Really? I don't think I really had to ask that.  But maybe I do.  I need to ask myself and realize my reality.  Difference is for one, I'm much older.  Age has a way of making you wiser and not sweat over the small stuff.  Age also gives you other challenges....like tiring quicker, less sleep, more aches and pains, weaker, and did I say more tired?  LOL

Fatigue and pain can really be controlling.  I find myself so focused on pain that I don't even see what else I'm missing.  It's hard to explain.  But I work so hard at getting pain relief that in order to get to that point I've exhausted a lot of energy to reach that one goal.  Then I miss talking with a friend.  Or watch a movie with my husband.  Or I haven't taken time to talk with my grown children.

My children and I had a close relationship while they were growing up.  We did a lot of sharing and laughing together.  We were actively involved with each other.  The siblings watched each other play their sports.  Many sleepovers and all night talks.  Watching your children grow, graduate, marry, and start their families are some of the rewarding parts of parenting.

The car accident, not only changed my life, but my daily routine.  Of all the changes, the one that hurts me most is not being able to spend time with my children.  I took for granted just being able to go to the mountains and have a picnic.  Taking my grand daughter to the park to play for a couple of hours.  Going to a movie and out to eat.  Traveling and visiting for a couple days. And having large celebration meals at my house.

I'm not able to be up as long, walk as far, definitely not walk as fast, loss of strength, intolerant to heat, nervous about traffic, highly sensitive to sound, exhausted, busy with doctor or therapy appointments, being seen walking with a cane, spilling a drink in the restaurant, and living with chronic pain keeps me close to home.  None of these things did I ever expect to experience by this age and stage of my life.  In May I will be 50 years old.  These symptoms were what  I was suppose to have after I'm 80.   

I need to stop. 

I need to look. 

I need to pray. 

I need to think. 

I need to plan. 

I need to write. 

I need to talk. 

I need to wait. 

I've been trying to make it day to day.  I've been discouraged. 

I feel depressed. 

While I'm waiting....  Waiting for the Lord to reveal His plan and purpose.  Waiting for more doctor appointments.  Waiting for a diagnosis.  Waiting..... waiting....and waiting.  While in this place I need to DO somethings.

I need to lean on the Lord.  Rest in His Word.  Talk with good friends.  Pray, trust, and continue to wait.  I also need to STOP.  Stop thinking of all that's changed.   All that I can no longer do.  I need to START seeing what I can do.  I need to look for ways to spend quality time with my children.

Chrystal now 28 yrs old

Brandon now 27 yrs old

Jamin now 19 yrs old

Brittnie now 18 yrs old

Todd now 11 yrs old

I love my kids.  God has blessed me with 5 beautiful children.  I can STILL spend time and make memories with them.  I pray the Lord will give me opportunity to continue sharing and laughing with my children.  And do so while I continue to WAIT.........

STRESS Reduction Diet

Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 slice of wheat toast
8 oz of skim milk

Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 c steamed spinach
1 c herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid Afternoon Snack
Rest of bag of Oreo cookies
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
nuts, cherries, whip cream

Dinner
2 loaves of garlic bread
Lg sausage, mushroom, & cheese pizza
4 cans of beer
3 milky way candy bars

Late Evening Snack
Entire frozen cheese cake eaten directly from freezer

RULES OF THE DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.  Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, and Tootsie rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking them up causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  Examples: peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.  Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.  (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color).